“I was just running in to grab a salad and a brownie”

Two Stories of The Fun of Spreading Hope

She was coming out of the market pushing a cart of groceries. To me, she looked like a quirky aging lady with a style all her own. As we passed I said hello and added, “I really like your hat.” She stopped me with tears in her eyes and said, “Thank you, I was having a sort of rough day, so thank you.”

We began a short conversation during which she told me she was having a lonely day but didn’t want it to show. Her style was so attractive and uniquely her own that I had to explain that while I didn’t usually accost someone leaving the store, I felt compelled to comment on her style. She explained that now that she was older, she seldom received a compliment. She said that she really felt invisible and ugly. I asked if she had looked in the mirror recently and told her my impression, that she looked uniquely beautiful. She giggled and said she never felt beautiful anymore. I commented that then this must really be her time because her style gave her a unique beauty that was all her own. After helping her load groceries into her trunk I said good-bye, wishing her well and telling her to go home and look again. I repeated, “I’m thinking that this must be really your time and you don’t want to miss it!” She left me with a giggle and a check in the reflection of her car window.

It took less than 5 minutes of my time but left us both feeling happy and connected to another. How many times do we miss these opportunities?

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“I was in the checkout line paying for my salad when I observed the young woman ahead of me berating the little old lady she was with. The lady looked confused and tried to explain why the cheese she was buying was the one she needed and refused to budge. This was met with disdain and reproach for wasting the younger woman’s time. The insults continued and other shoppers were beginning to notice.”

My friend, another Gerontologist, seeing that no one was intervening, followed the pair out the door. She interrupted and quickly explained adult verbal abuse and that this must stop. She suggested that they sit a moment. It was obvious that the younger woman was having a meltdown from overwork and a lack of understanding of dementia behaviors. She gratefully agreed to sit with my friend.

After a conversation during which both ladies vented, my friend inquired about whether there was any help available for the younger woman. Through tears, the woman said that her brother lived nearby and wanted to help but that she had felt she could manage on her own. My friend explained how this wasn’t always possible as the disease progressed, and that the younger woman needed some support and might find respite support helpful. After they called the brother, who said he was on his way and wanted to help, they discussed support referrals and strategies while the mother was looking in windows. The tears were dried, the younger woman gave a large sigh and thanked my friend for taking the time to help them rather than just standing by judging her behavior.

My friend said she suddenly realized that the scene, including her intervention, had been witnessed by the other shoppers and she still needed to go back and pay for her salad and brownie. She was embarrassed until she looked up as she went to her car and saw a young mother with a car full of kids drive by, quickly giving my friend a big thumbs up.

Less than 15 minutes of her time and it may have made a huge difference for this family and for the mother in their care. She wondered how many times we all look away when maybe a kind response to unpleasant behavior is a better approach and a way of spreading hope instead of judgment.