Author: Judith Close

I have a walker. It is my buddy.

Because of my walker (also called a rollator), I can go where I want, walk for thirty minutes or more, and sit when I need to without the stress of having to look for a bench when I really need to sit immediately. After a rest and a bottle of water, which I carry in the basket, I am on my way again, refreshed and ready to continue my walk.

Doctors are constantly telling us about the physical benefits of walking.¹https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/5-surprising-benefits-of-walking ²https://www.diabetes.org/healthy-living/fitness/benefits-walking Counselors and therapists advise walking for stress relief and meditation.³https://www.aarp.org/health/healthy-living/info-2019/good-reasons-to-get-walking.html ⁴https://www.verywellmind.com/mental-health-benefits-of-the-hot-girl-walk-5324717 Physical therapists and trainers include walking for everything from building endurance to weight management.⁵https://www.prevention.com/fitness/a20485587/benefits-from-walking-every-day/ In fact, it is hard to find advice against walking for anyone who is able.

As we age and acquire age-related chronic conditions, it may be easier to forgo that daily walk rather than having to deal with the fear of tripping or falling. Difficulties with eyesight, balance, or strength can contribute to those fears, and rightfully so. A trip or a fall can completely alter the quality of life and in some cases can actually shorten a life. Why would anyone want to risk that?

Surprisingly, to me, I have found that the comfort and security of knowing that I have the support of the walker to prevent that trip or fall allows me to venture forth in confidence. This has enabled me to regain a sense of empowerment and a relaxed enjoyment of the beauty of being outdoors. If I meet a neighbor and we decide to chat awhile, I can always just lock the wheels with my hands and sit a spell. What freedom!

A friend told me just today about getting a walker for her mother. Her mother was against it and said that it made her look disabled. This was after a broken leg made her temporarily disabled. So, my friend and her sisters went to the hobby store, purchased some cute decorations and jazzed up Mom’s walker. They told Mom that now people would be looking at, and talking about, the decorations rather than asking about her disability. Mom ventured out with her decorated walker and, sure enough, she had lots of interesting and fun conversations that she would have missed if she was just sitting at home waiting to heal.

My neighbor (who just turned 102!) got a walker when she was 95 or 96. I saw her in the park with her caregiver and commented on how much I liked the color of her new walker. Her response was, “Oh, I’m not going to use it.” “Why not?”, I asked. “It makes me look old”, was her answer. “But, Martha, you are old”, burst out of my mouth. “It’s ok!” “Nope”, she said. So I challenged her to a race with our walkers. She would have won.

I was leaving a theater one evening and an older man in front of me was slowly trying to maneuver up the aisle and then up the stairs to the exit. It was frightening to watch as he was very unstable on his feet. I had my walker, which is lightweight and easy to lift from step to step and then is easy to put into the car. I wanted so badly to offer it to him, but I could tell from his determined face that the offer would not be a good idea. His wife was with him and she was obviously concerned, but he doggedly soldiered on. Hopefully he made it safely to his car. What a difference a walker would have made to the sense of security for both of them.

Another friend’s grandpa was 90 and still playing golf. He was walking somewhat unsteadily but still proud of being mobile and able to play golf. He steadfastly refused any support that was offered. Coming off the golf course one day he slipped on some melted ice and was taken to the hospital. That fall shortened his life.

Somehow, we must change the perception of using a walker. I don’t think people view someone using a walker as “less than” even though that seems often to be the fear of someone who is advised to use one. My experience has been that people are either kind, as when they graciously give me room on the sidewalk, or they don’t seem to even notice or pay attention to it when we say hello or stop to talk.

We need to normalize the use of walkers for people who could really benefit from them. Maybe we can get the walkers in a broader range of designer colors or decors. How about adding flags or decals of our favorite sports teams, celebrating those players’ abilities and our own abili

ty to bravely venture forth and overcome. Maybe those of us who use walkers should walk around proudly, smiling and celebrating the freedom we have to be able to walk with the security and support we get from our walkers.

It is time to make walkers cool!

While we know there are many challenges happening right now, I think we can look at some surprisingly positive unintended consequences for the whole family during the enforced isolation of the Covid-19 experience we are all sharing.

From conversations with Senior adults and their families I am hearing stories about Seniors becoming comfortable and fluent with technology in ways that they had not enjoyed before the pandemic of 2020. Kids and grandparents are learning new ways to communicate using today’s technology. Kids are looking for games they can play together, then teaching their grandparents how to play with them.

Families who have been “sheltered in place” with the initial frantic “what will we do with the kids at home?” moments are finding some new-old ways to entertain and care for each other. Talking to Moms, it feels like stepping back in time. Without all of the scheduled after school practices and activities, this forced togetherness has resulted in the creation of new pastimes and games that the whole family can enjoy together. Many have told me that in addition to the challenges of balancing home-schooling and work, the time together has actually felt more relaxed as they were not always rushing out the door to meet schedules.

Moms who would rush off to yoga class alone are setting up on-line sessions in the family room with the kids and their own yoga mats. Kids are learning to cook and help prepare meals and desserts after looking through on-line grocery lists for ingredients. With Zoom calls, Grandparents can share these experiences, and even offer helpful hints and cooking tips that they have learned over the years. Many families have adopted shelter dogs and cats, puppies and kittens, and are working on training them together.

Seniors, as well as their families, are finding that many of their medical needs can be met online without the need to visit the doctor’s office. Think how many germs are avoided with a tele-visit instead of an office visit. This frees the doctor’s office for those who really need to come in. Seniors who can access medical advice through technology can often avoid having to ask their families for transportation etc. Additionally, we are seeing an increasing availability of in-home care services as non-profits have adapted new protocols for delivery of meals and services for Seniors.

Groceries can be ordered online as easily as clothes and Christmas gifts and, with much of our work being done at home, our roads have seemed to have less traffic congestion. Finding a place to park at the shopping centers is less frustrating with more shopping being done on-line. Additionally, many store owners have found creative ways to provide curb-side pick-up service for everything from groceries to yard supplies. Hopefully, some of these services will continue after the pandemic releases us. Besides this being environmentally friendly, I would have loved this service when I was trying to maneuver two toddlers in and out of the car with their strollers and busy hands.

Neighbors are reaching out to each other and being mindful of older people who might need a call or assistance with groceries and medicine pick-ups. This was especially true when grocery shelves were being emptied of basic necessities last winter. Neighbors were checking with each other and combining grocery lists when something was available at one store but not at another.

Neighborhood gatherings with new safety protocols became the norm. People were having “driveway” cocktail parties. Neighbors were bringing their own food and a folding table for a socially-distanced dinner party. There was a friendly spirit instead of the busy isolation that had become typical for so many. There were zoom birthday parties, book clubs, Bible studies, cooking parties, and scavenger hunts. When our beloved neighbor turned 100, we organized a ‘drive-by’ birthday party for her. Dozens of decorated cars and three police cars showed up to honk, sing, and wish her well!

So many creative ideas have been shared to turn this time of stress and sadness into a time to celebrate and care for each other. Our thoughts and prayers are with our friends and neighbors who have lost loved ones or who are suffering hardship from this unexpected and life altering pandemic. However, when the next crisis appears, I wonder if we will be more prepared to jump into action and make the necessary changes more quickly so that we can feel more in control of our circumstances. We have laughed and cried, comforted and encouraged, but most of all we have persevered.

There are many stories of positive ideas and experiences that sprang from the days of this pandemic. It would be fun to share them with each other and congratulate each other for the creative ways we found to grow and thrive.

Two Stories of The Fun of Spreading Hope

She was coming out of the market pushing a cart of groceries. To me, she looked like a quirky aging lady with a style all her own. As we passed I said hello and added, “I really like your hat.” She stopped me with tears in her eyes and said, “Thank you, I was having a sort of rough day, so thank you.”

We began a short conversation during which she told me she was having a lonely day but didn’t want it to show. Her style was so attractive and uniquely her own that I had to explain that while I didn’t usually accost someone leaving the store, I felt compelled to comment on her style. She explained that now that she was older, she seldom received a compliment. She said that she really felt invisible and ugly. I asked if she had looked in the mirror recently and told her my impression, that she looked uniquely beautiful. She giggled and said she never felt beautiful anymore. I commented that then this must really be her time because her style gave her a unique beauty that was all her own. After helping her load groceries into her trunk I said good-bye, wishing her well and telling her to go home and look again. I repeated, “I’m thinking that this must be really your time and you don’t want to miss it!” She left me with a giggle and a check in the reflection of her car window.

It took less than 5 minutes of my time but left us both feeling happy and connected to another. How many times do we miss these opportunities?

---

“I was in the checkout line paying for my salad when I observed the young woman ahead of me berating the little old lady she was with. The lady looked confused and tried to explain why the cheese she was buying was the one she needed and refused to budge. This was met with disdain and reproach for wasting the younger woman’s time. The insults continued and other shoppers were beginning to notice.”

My friend, another Gerontologist, seeing that no one was intervening, followed the pair out the door. She interrupted and quickly explained adult verbal abuse and that this must stop. She suggested that they sit a moment. It was obvious that the younger woman was having a meltdown from overwork and a lack of understanding of dementia behaviors. She gratefully agreed to sit with my friend.

After a conversation during which both ladies vented, my friend inquired about whether there was any help available for the younger woman. Through tears, the woman said that her brother lived nearby and wanted to help but that she had felt she could manage on her own. My friend explained how this wasn’t always possible as the disease progressed, and that the younger woman needed some support and might find respite support helpful. After they called the brother, who said he was on his way and wanted to help, they discussed support referrals and strategies while the mother was looking in windows. The tears were dried, the younger woman gave a large sigh and thanked my friend for taking the time to help them rather than just standing by judging her behavior.

My friend said she suddenly realized that the scene, including her intervention, had been witnessed by the other shoppers and she still needed to go back and pay for her salad and brownie. She was embarrassed until she looked up as she went to her car and saw a young mother with a car full of kids drive by, quickly giving my friend a big thumbs up.

Less than 15 minutes of her time and it may have made a huge difference for this family and for the mother in their care. She wondered how many times we all look away when maybe a kind response to unpleasant behavior is a better approach and a way of spreading hope instead of judgment.

This is the question that we all ask as we age. This is the question that can defeat or challenge.

A senior recently spoke about his feelings a few months into retirement. He was surprised to find himself facing this dilemma after a long and successful career.

“In the world today everything is changing, moving fast. At 70, for the first time, I feel like the train is leaving the station and I am left standing on the platform. Do I stand there and let it go, or do I run to the next station to catch it? Do I even care? Should I still care?

“I watch as younger people with boundless energy attack life. I remember when we were expected to grow and master through experience until we became the ones that everyone looked to for advice. Young people today are used to a landscape where everything changes constantly and no one expects to master, just expects to be nimble and able to jump quickly to the newest, whether technology or style. Can I adapt to this? Do I still want to?”

As a Gerontologist, I believe that the answer lies in two directions: acceptance, the tough one, and new expectations, of myself and of the world. That world includes those young people who are running past me, as well as the world leaders who miss the mark so often.

If I constantly compare myself, my physical strength as well as my physical appearance, to a younger version, I will either be happy with my maintenance or miserable with my faults. Isn’t it time to relax and say good-enough and be grateful?

If I compare my current accomplishments to what I accomplished when the goal was power and income, I can either feel ‘less than’ or I can feel proud of the road to those goals as I fought the good fight. It is hard for the warrior to relax. It is hard to recognize that those goals were reached. Now, time to move on.

For those of us who are aging, the new horizons can be beautiful. There are opportunities for expanding our goals to include endeavors that encompass a love for others, for the environment, and for those less fortunate. We now have the time and we can work around, and within, our limitations.

We can have encore careers, either paid or volunteer. We can use our accumulated experience and wisdom to advise our government leaders. Our parents’ generation did not have the access or technology to accomplish what we can accomplish today.

The key is acceptance, of our personal strengths and limitations, followed by expectations, clearly defined from wisdom that can only be acquired by living long enough and enduring whatever life brings.

We have made mistakes and we have conquered. Our responsibility now is to welcome, celebrate. and sometimes console, those who are still running the race. We can encourage the excitement and passion of youth, balanced by the wisdom of our experience.

Who are we now when we’re not who we were? Hopefully, more relaxed and thoughtful versions of the best of our younger selves.

It is never easy to decide to leave a home that has been loved and filled with friends and family. The garden speaks to us and we wonder if another person will love the roses or the orange tree the way we have. The neighbors are part of our life and we wonder if we will still see them.

For many people who remember the “nursing homes” of their parents’ day a retirement home seems to feel like being sent to a place where no one wants to go, and only those with no family who cared found themselves unhappily there. Many have asked their children to promise to never let that happen to them.

Today, however, the choices are many and the retirement homes are filled with people enjoying their senior years with others who are similar in age and interests. Instead of being home alone, they are making new friends, enjoying great food, and determining which activities are interesting. Many are taking up new hobbies, or enjoying old ones with others who enjoy the same activities.

If you are contemplating this move, close your eyes. Can you picture all of your favorite places in your home and all of your furniture as well as the fun you have had sharing your food and your garden with family and friends? If you can, then these pictures will go with you. You might even want to make a picture album of your favorite corners of the house and yard. Now think back. When you were first married, did you live in a large home? Were you any less happy in that tiny apartment?

These are all things to contemplate as you make the decision to move to a new home. In today’s Senior residences people can enjoy safety and freedom from the fear that something will happen and they will not have help in time. They are no longer responsible for the cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping and gardening. Yet, they can still putter in the gardens of their new home or polish the furniture and knick-knacks they bring with them. They also have more time to enjoy their families and, best of all, they no longer have to feel like they are interrupting busy family schedules for assistance with errands and doctor appointments each time they need something. Their families can once again be with them for times to just enjoy each other.

The one thing that I have seen when working with Seniors is that, if they are going to move, sooner is better. When I see Seniors who wait until a health emergency forces a move, I find that they do not enter their new home ready for fun. They often say that they wish they had come sooner while they could still enjoy all that the residence and the new friends have to offer. It is always harder to make new friends and build a new life when health issues leave someone feeling weak and unable to participate. Those moves are much harder.

This is a very special time of life, with many options. I hope you fully enjoy yours, whatever decisions you make for the future of you and your family.

If an older person has a sudden change in behavior, it is important to document what you are observing and schedule a doctor visit. Often people assume the declining behavior is just a part of the aging process. However, there can be many reasons for the change. Medical, environmental, and caregiving issues need to be evaluated in order to determine the best response. Often a simple modification may remediate the problem.

If a Senior becomes agitated, an important first step is a physical exam. One common problem is an undiagnosed UTI which may not carry symptoms that the older person can recognize or verbalize to you. Another problem might be a build-up of wax in the ears which causes voices and tv sounds to become mumbled. This can create problems when in common areas where there are many competing noises. If this condition has been building slowly, the Senior may not have noticed, but becomes more annoyed and frustrated, often pulling away and isolating themselves. There can be many treatable medical problems with quick and effective remediation and only a physician can determine the cause. It will be helpful to bring your documentation of what you have observed, the duration, and other contributors which you may notice so that the doctor can have a full picture of the problem.

Environmental issues can be so subtle that family members may not notice, but which can impact the Seniors life in ways that result in changes in behavior. Are there changes in temperature, schedules, or lighting making life more uncomfortable or less predictable? Have furniture or mirrors been rearranged so that the environment seems unfamiliar. A new mirror in the room, or a window with curtains left open at night, can give a reflection to a person with dementia that appears as though they are being watched, causing that person to be uncomfortable or resistant to being in the room after sunset.

Has there been a change in caregivers or caregiver routines. Some people with memory and perception deficits are still very attuned to facial expression and tension in their caregivers. They may not be able to verbalize the reason why they are uneasy, but observing the caregiver’s moods and subtle interactions may give you a clue as to what the Senior is experiencing. If this is a family caregiver, you may be seeing signs that they need some assistance or respite time while they accomplish this very demanding job.

When my mother had macular degeneration and was no longer able to distinguish facial features, she moved to a new senior residence. She told us that no one seemed friendly and she was very unhappy. I observed her, in her wheelchair, as she went to the dining room and noticed that people walking by would smile and then move on. So, I observed her from in front of her and saw a beautiful woman who was staring ahead through her glasses, (which did not improve her vision but made her eyes look good), but who was acknowledging no one. So, I suggested that when a figure the size of a person approached she should tilt her head up towards them, smile and say hello, Mom tried that, and it was amazing-suddenly everyone was friendly. Once they spoke together she was able to explain that she would not be able to recognize them and would they kindly say their name when they said hello. Mom had not realized that her behavior and appearance was being interpreted as wanting privacy, which the others were respecting. It all changed with a smile!

It is important that we all be alert to cues and subtle clues as we strive to provide the most comfortable and rewarding life in this stage of a Senior’s life journey. If you have found strategies that have been effective with your loved one, please share them with me and I will post them for the benefit of all. Sometimes a simple fix is all that is needed. Most important is that initial trip to the doctor to rule out a medical issue that can be hard to identify, but which can often be corrected.

A daughter walks with her 80-year-old father while he reflects and comforts her about coping with her mother’s dementia:

“You need to face the ‘label’ because it allows you to say that you can’t fix it. Only then can you relax into acceptance. Then you can hear what is said without taking it personally. The wonderful woman I’ve known for 60 years, and who raised you with love and devotion, is who she still is. You need to hold to this as you translate what she says or does into who she really is.

“Before the dementia she would politely say, ‘Could you get me something?’ ‘Would you mind turning down the A/C?’ Now she says, ‘Where is my tea? I need my tea! Do it now!’ ‘It’s too cold! Fix it! Why don’t you fix it now? It is NOT a warm day! I want it fixed!!’

“That’s the dementia talking. She can’t help that. It’s like me telling my heart to work right again. It just can’t do it anymore. My eyes can’t see well anymore but I can wear glasses to correct my vision. However, with your Mom, there is no correction. It does no good to argue with her or try to explain. It won’t help. The dementia can’t hear it.

“I can’t fix it, but I can help her know some peace. I can respond with love as I did when we knew laughter and joy. I can ask myself who is best equipped to make the adjustment—me or her? Since she no longer can, I must. It’s the only way I can still take care of her.”

With so many adults desiring to age in place in their own homes today, it is important to be able to provide home care services that make this possible. There are new options being developed, and it will be interesting to see how they evolve and are received.

A PBS News Hour article in 2014 offers a clear delineation of services available at that time (https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/dont-want-move-hiring-home-help).The two types of home care i.e., home health care and in-home care services which provide non-medical support, are discussed along with considerations for the need for background checks and strategies for monitoring of care providers who go into the Senior’s home.

It can feel very intrusive to have someone in one’s home for extended amounts of time. When my parents began to need help with cooking, cleaning, and driving, they felt that they needed someone for a few hours here and there, but not someone all day every day. Models for this type of delivery of services are being developed, but with the growing numbers of Seniors who will be needing them, we must move quickly to be able to provide services which allow Seniors to age in place with dignity and comfort. One company that offers several types of services to meet differing needs is Right At Home (https://www.rightathome.net/care-scenarios). Programs such as this need to be studied so that we have evidence-based programs that can be duplicated and enlarged to fit the needs of our growing older population. When looking at service delivery models, an emphasis needs to be placed on the quality of the delivery of services as well as the delivery of the quantity that is needed. How we can see this accomplished is a discussion that needs to take place on individual and community levels, as well as at governmental and decision-maker levels.

We are the emerging seniors! Whether we are 50 or 80, we are emerging in force. With lifestyle options that our parents never dreamed of, but which can be ours, with some planning and deliberation. Yet, this new stage of our life’s journey can also create in each of us an “in-between” feeling that we may not have experienced since junior high. We don’t feel “old” as we expected “old” to feel. But we also don’t feel like we did in early adulthood with so much of adult life still forming.

Remember when we were in junior high? We were no longer small kids, given some slack by older kids and grown-ups. Looming ahead of us was that terrifying high school with intimidating older kids. We thought that that in-between feeling was over when, as successful adults, we finally felt older and wiser ourselves.

Now here we are again at an in-between stage that we may not relish, or fully embrace, but cannot avoid. No longer physically or mentally quite as quick and strong as we were ten or twenty years ago, but fearing that thing we call “being old.” And yet it is coming. We are marching steadily towards it. We look at our cohorts who are aging faster and think ”Not me!” Then we look in a mirror and are surprised at who is looking back. We are not yet stooped or diminished in any obvious way, but our reality check shows us that we are also not as quick, mentally or physically, as we were just yesterday. That seeming proximity of “just yesterday” is also frightening as we look ahead, and wonder how quickly we will arrive at that stage called “being old.” We begin to wonder if we will have enough time, or money, to accomplish all that we still have on our ‘to do’ lists.

As a Gerontologist I have come to believe that this is the best time to take stock, to reevaluate priorities and plans. Having a Plan A as well as a Plan B for the future is the best way to put those concerns to rest and to move confidently through the next stages of our journey. By realizing that this is another transition phase, we can evaluate what we will need to be really successful in the culminating stages of our life’s journey. It is important to take inventory of our desires, our finances, our physical health and limitations, our legal paperwork that delineates our wishes as well as appoints those who can be trusted to carry out our wishes, and the work-arounds that we will want to be ready to implement if, and when, they are needed.

With that accomplished, it is time to put all concerns aside and stride confidently into this new stage of life, where we can be the ones with experience to share, new interests to pursue, problems to resolve and joys to experience. It is a time for renewed goal setting in line with the realities we will encounter. We will be the first generation to have available some of what we will enjoy as we travel this journey: assisted living arrangements that are fun and attractive, encore career opportunities, self-driving cars and Uber and Lyft type systems to assist with transportation when we cannot drive,  assistive devices for work-arounds for many of the nuisances we will face, and 24/7 home care available for as much or as little as needed…. And, the best part is that we can help develop these, and more that we can imagine, for our own use for when we get there.

So, Emerging Seniors, the best may be yet to come. Enjoy and conquer!

Recently I observed someone very close to me as she participated in Physical Therapy. She hadn’t had an accident, or a stroke as had many of the other people in the therapy room. She had just aged. She had some arthritis and other nonlife-threatening, but painful and exhausting, challenges but had resisted PT as this was just for “other old people or people with injuries”. However, within 10 weeks when a recheck was done, her scores were 50% to 100% better than when she started. She was walking with noticeably better posture and was moving more agilely. Her comments were, “I didn’t notice how I had been retreating within my pain and actually causing more stiffness and slowness as my window of function became narrower. I found that I had developed compensating movements that actually were hindering me and causing me to feel older and more frail.”

In addition to observing my friend, I also observed other older people who appeared to be recovering from strokes and falls and their progress was equally noticeable regardless of where I observed their functioning when I first arrived or how far they had come.

This has led me to become an advocate for the implementation of targeted stretching and strengthening exercises in our assisted living and memory care residences, as well as for many Seniors who are choosing to live at home. Could the subtle movements be implemented by care partners who have been trained and supervised by physical therapists?

Most of the progress made by my friend was from the on-going daily practice that was set up by the therapists and reinforced in written instructions and pictures. This allowed the participant to be certain that the exercises were done correctly. I also noticed an increased confidence and joy in my friend as old patterns of walking and posture returned. She said she was surprised that she was able to recover so much of what she had lost. The pain was not gone, hers is a chronic condition. However, she now has the goal to continue to gently stretch and build strength around the weak areas to continue to make her life more fun.

What surprised me, besides the improvements that I observed, was the gentleness and positivity in the therapists’ delivery. Everything was done with an attitude of meeting clients where they were and enjoying each accomplishment. It was not at all like a gym where clients are constantly urged to do more and which can be intimidating to older adults who have lost their fitness and zest.

In an interesting article in the Los Angeles Times (LATimes 2/11/19) Roy M. Wallace describes the journey of his 89 year old father, a retired aerospace engineer, during the first eight weeks of a Wellness FX program. His father joked that his previous exercise was “at Costco looking for free samples”. His son noticed that his gait had become shuffling and he was bent over “as if looking for coins”. The worst was his acceptance “of a future in physical decline”. After the first eight weeks of the program, measurements showed that his endurance more than doubled, his heart was stronger, and he was no longer in the “diabetic danger zone”. His ability to accomplish these results may not be typical and should not be the gold standard for all to follow as that alone can be discouraging. However, in the same article, Robert Forster, a physical therapist who runs a program that serves many Seniors, states that “movement is the best medicine”.

With an average life expectancy for someone who is 65 in 2017 to be another 19.5 years (CDC.gov). Isn’t it time to build in these preventative steps to encourage health, and minimize risks and health care expense? It seems that addressing this protocol of care should be a meaningful part of health-care programs for Seniors and integrated into personal care management protocols. Could gentle, regular stretching and strengthening protocols become a part of life-care management to prevent falls, improve balance, and promote the ability to continue to participate in fun, relaxing and rewarding activities? How can we as gerontologists and advocates encourage support for these types of preventative steps to encourage health and possibly minimize medical expense in the years to come for all our Seniors?

There is a special bond between grandkids and grandparents. Without the full responsibility for the outcome of their lives, grandparents can be free to take a broader look and just enjoy, while dispensing wisdom born of many years of living and learning. Too often, as grandparents age and become less accessible, kids lose valuable time and shared experience with them. It is important to find ways to encourage quality time and experiences while they can still be enjoyed. This is a time to build memories that will last long after the grandparents are no longer here, as well as enrich the lives of both generations. How valuable and rewarding if each child, regardless of age, can share one hour a week enjoying an activity that is special for both.

If the grandparents are local, they and the grandchild in the family can plan a special activity to share together. If the grandparents live farther away, kids and grandparents can use today’s technology to eliminate the miles and do projects using video and telephone. It is important that each child have their own special time.

My grandson and I collected Thomas the Train back in the day when they were collectibles. I would go to the store in California and call him in Michigan and we would look at our catalogues and have serious discussions about which trains we were still missing and which videos we had watched. Finally, we would decide what to get. When he graduated from college, I happened to be in a store and notice the one train engine that we had not ever found. What a find!! This became part of his graduation gift along with a note that said, as he was now grown, this would probably be the final Thomas the Train engine I would get for him. He seemed to really love it as he still has the whole set in his parents’ basement and we still have the memories.

One family, with 4 teenagers, devotes one hour each week for each child to share an activity with Grandma. One girl has been learning to crochet, a boy plays board games, another girl shares photography she is doing and they critique the photos and plan for new shots, and the other boy shares a walk and is compiling a booklet on the flowers at her assisted living residence.

It is important that the two decide together what they would like to do. In today’s world it can be sharing technology secrets or video games or baking, It doesn’t really matter what they do as long as it is enjoyed and can encourage a sharing of stories and experience. For this family with four kids, this is one hour out of each grandchild’s week but a month of shared experiences for Grandma to look forward to and for each to build a lifetime of memories.

Many of us have known that special bond that exists between pets and their owners. One has only to watch Saturday morning television programming of pet “parents” and their beloved pets to observe those heartfelt bonds and the love that their animals return to their owners. Loneliness has been named as one of the major contributing factors to elderly “failure to thrive” and depression. Studies are now showing the health and emotional benefits of those special relationships between pets and their owners.

Some senior residences are encouraging Seniors to bring their pets and, certain of these are offering pet caretaking services such as dog walking and litter box removal. Years ago, when my grandmother was forced to move to an assisted living facility, she had to relinquish her beloved cat to a relative. The cat received excellent care and was allowed to visit occasionally. However, the daily loneliness of sitting in her new home without the comfort of her cat resting on her lap, or the entertainment of watching him play, must have felt, at times, excruciating and may have contributed to her “acting out” episodes of the dementia.

If your loved one has a special bond with a pet, you may want to add the ability to bring that pet to your list of requirements when looking for a Senior care residence. Obviously, some pets such as my grandmother’s elderly lap-loving cat would be easier to manage than a hyper younger dog who barks and wants lots of exercise. Although, if your Senior likes to walk and the dog is well mannered, this need for exercise may be more helpful than the treadmill in the exercise room. Some assisted living and memory care residences have resident pets such as rabbits and dogs which belong to the assisted living residence, but which visit and interact with the Seniors in their apartments and in the common areas. This situation may be a perfect fit for your Senior.

Whatever you, your Senior, and your family decide is the best move, it is important to remember, and attend to, the emotional needs of your Senior, recognizing their relationship with their constant companion. If it is not possible to bring their pet with them, understand that the grief of the loss of their close, daily companion may be a contributing factor to any depression or difficulty in adjusting to their new surroundings. Mention this to the staff as they work with your Senior through this adjustment period. The staff may have solutions that you may not have considered. Their goal is to enrich the experience of your Senior, both during the initial move, and continuing as your Senior begins to feel comfortable in their new home.

When constructing a jigsaw puzzle, each piece is important and must be played at the appropriate time and place. No piece can be substituted for another. If one tries to force the wrong piece into place, it will not work smoothly and the puzzle will not have coherence. The ultimate goal of an aging parent is to finish their life journey with a coherent and completed life. This includes a coherence of their family, each of whom is unique and important to that parent, regardless of their functioning ability. This is the parent’s legacy and becomes  the jigsaw puzzle of the family.

The individual family members are like the pieces of the puzzle. Each is unique and has a unique place and purpose in the puzzle. Some pieces are larger. Their contributions are more prominent and obvious. Some are smaller or barely there at all. But without even those small pieces, the puzzle will not be complete.

The roles of each member of a care-giving family will vary. The roles of one, or some, will be large and visible and even exhausting. Others will be sporadic or even almost nonexistent. However, it is important that all roles, or pieces, are included in the completed puzzle.

Each person will need to respect the role of the others. There should be no judgement during this time of the aging parent’s journey. It will be important for the parent to see that all understand the strengths and limitations of each of person, and that each person’s role in the journey is respected and included. Even the person who cannot face or deal with this stage of life’s journey, and becomes almost nonexistent, must not disappear and leave a hole in the finished puzzle. This may require that the other members create a safe place of acceptance for that person who cannot participate.

When the parent’s life journey is complete, there may be bonds that have been strengthened, or there may be relationships that are left estranged. However, if all pieces have been included, without judgement and with an understanding that each has been living within their own strengths and weaknesses, the puzzle can be complete. This care-giving experience, then, becomes part of each person’s legacy as they live out their own life, as well as a modelling for their children of how to cherish and care for an aging parent.