A daughter walks with her 80-year-old father while he reflects and comforts her about coping with her mother’s dementia:
“You need to face the ‘label’ because it allows you to say that you can’t fix it. Only then can you relax into acceptance. Then you can hear what is said without taking it personally. The wonderful woman I’ve known for 60 years, and who raised you with love and devotion, is who she still is. You need to hold to this as you translate what she says or does into who she really is.
“Before the dementia she would politely say, ‘Could you get me something?’ ‘Would you mind turning down the A/C?’ Now she says, ‘Where is my tea? I need my tea! Do it now!’ ‘It’s too cold! Fix it! Why don’t you fix it now? It is NOT a warm day! I want it fixed!!’
“That’s the dementia talking. She can’t help that. It’s like me telling my heart to work right again. It just can’t do it anymore. My eyes can’t see well anymore but I can wear glasses to correct my vision. However, with your Mom, there is no correction. It does no good to argue with her or try to explain. It won’t help. The dementia can’t hear it.
“I can’t fix it, but I can help her know some peace. I can respond with love as I did when we knew laughter and joy. I can ask myself who is best equipped to make the adjustment—me or her? Since she no longer can, I must. It’s the only way I can still take care of her.”